Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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