Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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