I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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