**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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