My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
