Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
