I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
