So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
All the doctor said was why
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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