this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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