new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
