Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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