turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
