No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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