there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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