you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
