True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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