The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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