Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
