Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
