I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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