I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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