Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
