Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
