She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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