I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
