I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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