Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
