I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My life is pants optional.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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