He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
