I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
