I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
