its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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