tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We were destined to go to rehab together
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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