At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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