Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
