i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
