im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
