My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
