Cold hands, warm shart.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
