why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
