Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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