Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
