I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
