New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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