my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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