u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
