I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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