: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
