mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
