I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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