We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
