Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
